


I'm Still Here

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, another nice story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:33:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24740065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: Chimney struggles with his own anxiety and self-confidence following Hen leaving the 118.“Why does everyone I love leave me?”“I’m still here…”
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	I'm Still Here

Maddie leans her head against the door, tears sliding down her own face as she listens to the sobs on the other side. She wishes he would open it, she’s been begging him for half an hour, instead, she’s forced to sit on the floor in the hallway, waiting.

“Whatever you want, anything you want, I’ll give it to you, just make it stop.” It’s the first time he’s spoken since she got home and found the empty whiskey bottle accompanied by a locked bathroom door. It breaks her heart to hear the vulnerability in his voice, wishing he would just let her in.

“I want you to open the door, Howie. I want you to tell me what’s wrong so I can make it stop, please… please baby, I’m begging you. Open the door… I’ll try and make it stop. You’re not giving me a chance, _please_.”

When she hears the sound of the lock turning before the door opens, she breaths a sigh of relief until she sees him. Sees the red eyes, the tear stained cheeks, the look of complete devastation on his face as he looks at her. “You’re scaring me.” The brunette whispers, shifting ever so slightly across the floor until she reaches him, placing her hands on either side of his cheek, forcing him to look at her.

“J-just w-want it to s-stop…” He’s sobbing, taking deep breaths between each word, desperation in his eyes.

“Want what to stop?”

“Stop hurting.”

She sighs, getting more and more frustrated but forcing it down. She needs him to talk to her, not withdraw from her even more than he already has. Instead, she takes a deep breath, an attempt to calm herself down before her grip on his face ever so slightly tightens. “And why does it hurt?”

“Because there’s something broken in me. I-I’m broken. I thought I was fixed but I’m still broken.”

It answers absolutely nothing, she still doesn’t know what’s wrong but it’s more of a starting point than she had. “You’re not broken, baby.” Her lips press against his forehead, thumbs wiping pointlessly at the tears that stream down pale cheeks as he shakes his head.

“H-Hen is g-gone,” He hiccups, “She’s gone and I killed someone. I tried… s-so hard to save them and they died anyway and she’s gone. And I’m more sad about her being gone than I am about the fact they’ve fucking died because I can’t do my job. I’m broken, Maddie.”

She’s relieved when it comes out, she knows that despite how many years he’s been doing his job, despite how many lives he’s saved, he still takes every single loss personally. And she knows it’s because he’s a good person, because he’s kind and so full of love. He picks himself up every day and gets on with it, knowing he could easily lose someone else but save ten more. “It’s okay to be sad that your best friend isn’t by your side anymore, it doesn’t mean you’re broken, Howie. It just means you’re human and you have feelings.”

Her hand moves down to press to his chest, “You have a big, loving heart and you most definitely are not broken. You are a wonderful,” Her lips press against his cheek, “Loving,” And then to his other cheek, “Kind, beautiful human being.” She keeps kissing around his face until she reaches his lips, the salty taste of his tears coating her lips.

When he pulls back, she tries not to take it personally, but it doesn’t stop the pain that rushes through her. “Why do you love me so much? I’m a mess, you could—you deserve so much better.”

“Because you’re my Howie, you’re amazing and you’ve got nothing but good inside you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I know you’re feeling lost right now but I’ve got you. I’ve always got you.”

When his head moves to the crook of her neck, and his hand to her slowly growing bump, “Just want everything to go back to the way it was. Just need her back.”

“I know, baby, and I’m sorry but I don’t think she’s coming back but you’re going to be okay.” Her hands are rubbing his back as she sighs, fighting back her own tears as she does so. She loves him, it hurts to see him in pain.

“Why does everyone I love leave me?”

“I’m still here…”


End file.
